Kram has been looking 20 days into the future in his valiant efforts to identify the 2015 IronPigs’ Opening Day roster so I thought I’d take it a step further and contact my future self on what it would be like looking 20 years into the future…
It’s March 2035. The alien armada was turned back in the great battle of the asteroid belt, the hovercar plant in Nazareth is selling their new model faster than their 2022 model jet packs sold and the Lehigh Valley still loves sports.
After the astro-rust debacle, the last traces of iron on the planet disappeared a decade ago and our baseball team was re-branded as the Platinum Pigs. It’s a good change as they’ve placed last in the National League’s North East Division since being added as an expansion team along with the Salt Lake City Asteroid Miners, Charlotte Days, Oakland Island Hoppers and the Phoenix Beachgoers. Led by Andres Blanco VI, the PlattyPigs, (as they are familiarly known) look to open this season on a hot streak. It won’t be difficult as they will be facing the Havana Cigarillos in the first Opening day game to be held on Mercury. I don’t know if that colony will draw as well as Mars did but MLB’s commissioner Marv “The Martian” Albert Jr. insists it will become an annual event.
Looking at hockey… well, hockey doesn’t use ice anymore. Admit it, we all had way too much ice during 2017’s mini-ice age. Damn that weather machine in Alaska. Our inner earth brothers sure got a good laugh about that one. The Phantoms of 20 years ago would not bear even a slight resemblance of this year’s team. Who would have thought the NHL would go all female and become the highest grossing sports league in the world, if not the solar system.
Sadly, football was outlawed in 2019 after all of the long term health affects were announced to the public. Congress quickly shut the sport down at all levels. The NFL’s attempts at flag football led to the two hand touch leagues and co-ed two hand touch leagues and well… the lingerie league was super popular for a bit, right up until the.. well, the incident. It’s in all the history books so I won’t remind you of those dark days.
Lastly, we can look back at the 2015 roller derby season as the golden years of the Earth’s favorite past time. I took a trip to the RD Hall of Fame last summer with my grand kids and saw a lot of great names and relived those long ago memories that even the dementia microprocessor implant couldn’t retrieve. Long gone are the days of wheels and skate keys… replaced with these new turbo-prop and jet-skates that have replaced gasoline race cars at the Indianapolis Speedway. On a good note, though, the speedway has announced that despite ongoing historian protests they will be resurfacing the track to reduce the number of brick related injuries to skaters.
Oh those great memories of 2015. I look down at first earth from the sky pilings and all I see are trees where the Lehigh Valley used to be. It’s flat now. No valley to be seen. Not even the city’s uniforms acknowledge the valley that created the Pawlowskiville, Bethlehem, and Easton metropolis that it is now. Nor will we forget Scranton-Wilkes Barre’s attempt to park their city ship closer to Philadelphia during the MLB expansion team selection process. Many fightin ostriches sacrificed themselves for us. We shall not forget.
That’s about all I have for today. Still need to run out and check out those new android phone-bots. My kids want me to download myself into one but I just can’t decide which carrier to choose. Things just haven’t been the same since Comcast became self-aware and rid itself of its human creators…
Is it April yet?
Categories: Absolute Nonsense